The “Danger” of High Expectations: A Therapeutic Perspective on Expat Adjustment

Moving abroad is often described as an exciting and liberating experience full of possibility. Online content heavily curated for an online audience often does nothing but reinforce this one-sided viewpoint. Moving, especially internationally, is one of the most significant life transitions a person can experience. As we prepare for the shift from our familiar lives to a new one in a foreign country, we naturally focus on what will be different. Often, we assume those differences will be improvements.

We imagine freedom from stressful commutes, slower mornings, or a more beautiful daily routine. We picture ourselves walking along cobblestone streets, surrounded by history, culture, and fresh perspective. These expectations aren’t wrong, but they can set unrealistic expectations for expats. When these expectations become rigid, they can quietly set us up for disappointment.

When Expectations Meet Reality

Upon arrival, reality tends to arrive as well, sometimes as soon as we land at the airport and struggle to find transportation to our new home. As we begin working in our new country, we may discover that our climate-controlled car was more comfortable than we realized, especially when the weather is extreme and walking is unavoidable. We may also find that we don’t actually enjoy walking as much as we thought, or that people in our new country rely on cars more than we expected.

These realizations can feel surprisingly unsettling. While these examples may seem small, they often trigger a deeper emotional response related to loss, comfort, and familiarity.

“I Liked It Better Back Home”

At some point during the adjustment process, many expats experience an unsettling thought:

“I actually liked that better back home.”
Or, more painfully, “Did I make a mistake coming here?”

These thoughts commonly surface during moments of stress or fatigue, which may come fast and furious during our first few weeks (or months) in our new home. Perhaps you get frustrated about not being able to find a familiar comfort food, like Twinkies, that you didn’t even care about before but suddenly feel attached to now that it’s unavailable.

From a therapeutic perspective, these thoughts are not signs of failure. They reflect the brain’s attempt to regain a sense of safety and predictability during a major life disruption. For many people, moving abroad is the first time they’ve left behind not just a place, but an entire support system and identity structure.

When Small Problems Feel Overwhelming

As we adjust, our personality and coping style matter. Some individuals are more prone to catastrophizing, which refers to when one interprets minor inconveniences as signs that something has gone terribly wrong. In moments of emotional vulnerability, even small challenges can feel overwhelming and deeply discouraging.

The goal is not to eliminate these reactions, but to understand them. A compassionate shift in mindset can help soften emotional distress, even if it doesn’t make it disappear entirely.

Preparing Emotionally for Life Abroad

So how can we prepare ourselves emotionally for an international move?

One helpful step is practicing openness while loosening expectations. When we notice thoughts such as, “Life will be so much better once I move,” we can gently reframe them into curiosity:

“I wonder what life will be like once I move.”

This shift creates space for reality to be complex rather than perfect. Nowhere is without trade-offs. While you may lose a long commute, you might also lose the quiet personal time it provided—time for music, podcasts, or mental decompression. Over time, many people realize how meaningful that solitary space once was, even if they didn’t consciously value it at the time.

Honoring the Emotional Experience of Transition

Emotional awareness is a crucial part of adjustment. Missing home, loved ones, routines, or even aspects of a former identity is not a sign that the move was a mistake—it’s a normal grief response to change.

Feelings of sadness, anxiety, irritability, or doubt are common during periods of transition. Remaining open to new experiences allows us to acknowledge these emotions rather than resist them. In doing so, we give ourselves the opportunity to develop new coping strategies, rebuild a sense of stability, and eventually create meaning in our new environment.

If you’re struggling with these feelings, you’re not alone—and support can make a significant difference.

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John M. Williams, MS